Yup...that's me. Just last week I ran out the door and was getting in the car before I realized I had my slippers and house coat on! Appalling...I know. I don't know how I became that woman. I used to have my stuff together! Oh, I can remember very well those days when I wouldn't leave the house without a pair of heels, lipstick and my hair blown out. The dispensable income. *sigh* One day I was an educated, composed woman with a career and the next day I'm sitting on the floor in a robe, disheveled ponytail, elbow deep in poo and two kids hanging on me. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird time warp where days fly by so fast but blur into each other. I'll talk to someone 'on the outside' thinking it's been five minutes but for them it's been fifty years. lol
It's not all bad, though. There are little glimpses in the blur where my baby girl smiles at me and everything around me seems to fade. Times when William makes me laugh so hard I cry. Times when I have so much joy my chest hurts. But for the most part I have to fight tooth and nail for my 'sanity breaks.'
Somewhere along the way, I'm not exactly where, I feel like I lost my way. Lost who I am as a person....as a woman. It is not the lack of income or freedom that has me feeling lost but the lack of confidence. In its place is a plethora of insecurities and fear. I have no idea where that high-powered, confident woman went!
Worst of all, I feel like my relationship with God has suffered. I no longer get excited to read His word. I don't feel like I hear the Holy Spirit anymore. Christians call it the 'desert'. Worry and doubt have plagued me. They nag at me like May flies on a hot day. I'm ashamed to say that an unanswered prayer has caused bitterness and resentment to bite into my heart. As a once devoted Christian woman this grieves me. It feels like I've lost my best friend. I want to stomp my feet and say, "enough is enough!"
So, in a way that is what I am doing. This is a new year, and I plan to make this the year of the Lord. I'm committing to seeking Him with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want to know Jesus more. Not because I want something. Not because I need guidance, direction, child or whatever reason I sought Him for before. No, I want to seek the Lord for no other reason BUT to know Him more. I want to fall in love with my Savior again. I invite you to share this journey with me. This year I plan on sharing my devotional, a story, or just thoughts about what God is teaching me. This invitation is a vulnerable one because I'm going to be as honest as possible. I'm putting myself and my faith out there for all to see. Yikes!