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   This morning I just happened across this story I wrote over ten years ago. I had just returned from a mission trip from Africa. 

    I can't tell you how many things the Lord did in my heart during that trip! The following is just one of them. (I'm going to try not change all of my writing mistakes. lol)

    

     I found myself on the red, clay floor of an African village. The heat of the day wrapped around me like a wet blanket. Conversation was flowing freely between my teammate and I. 

     The Beninoise children were playing duck-duck-goose with reckless abandon. Shaded by a mango tree, my teammate sat and held closely a young boy covered with scabies.

     Disgusted by their closeness and the reality of her susceptibility to the boy's contagious I kept a safe distance. Not far enough to make my discomfort noticeable, but the distance between our hearts was miles. 

     Pained by the conviction of my false compassion I became aware of my insensitivity. I started comparing my attributes with my teammates.

     Once again I pulled out my mental checklist of virtues. After a thorough beating on my self-esteem, I calculated our Christian virtues were neck-to-neck considering my fresh taste of humility.

     Turning my attention back to my teammate at she chattered on the conviction didn't release. For a second time I sought to clear my conscience of its incessant pestering.

     Without further question I received more than I could have asked for! At once my mind's eye saw a vision of an idol. This idol was beautiful with attributes floating around it.

     I saw the words peace, love, humility, meekness, righteousness, etc. Trying to make out what I was seeing I blinked a couple of times. Yes, it was what I thought it was....me!

     Puzzled by what I was seeing I questioned the Lord. Before I received an answer I understood. I had spent my whole life trying to measure up to this 'perfect' person. This meek and quiet woman that 'ministers' to the hurting. All the while thinking that that was who God wanted me to be.

     For years, I pulled out my 'checklist of virtues' to see how close or far I had come to arriving. In a moment I heard my Savior say to me, 'This perfect Audrey has become an idol you have set before me! Tear it down and don't ever raise it back up. I have never asked you to be that. I want you to be who you are right now...weaknesses and all.'

      Blown away by the strong rebuke and revelation I repented and renounced my once beloved 'perfect Audrey.' 

     Returning to the conversation I had so briefly yet eternally abandoned, I reveled in God's greatness. To think he would give me a place in his courts to be my weak, poor, confused, frustrated little self and just 'BE'! 

 


02/11/2012 8:51am

Beautiful post, Audrey! It's easy to get caught up in seeking perfection. Ugh! So neat to see how the Lord used this trip to Africa to remind you that it's all about Him and not about us! God bless!

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Amanda
02/11/2012 10:13am

Audrey I'm so glad you put this story on here. It is one of my favorites. I remember you reading it to me in our hotel room at a women's retreat in WA. It touched me then & still does. Last week I told Tim about this story & hadn't got around to calling you about it. Glad you did put it up on your own. :) Love you!

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02/11/2012 11:20am

I have never heard this one! Wow! This story is the perfect example of why I say we can't do the job of the Holy Spirit. Who would ever thought to have convicted you for "meekness" etc. No One. God knows and understands the intents of our heart. I am so thankful. I like you better just Audrey too. ;)
I had a similar conviction inside of me once. I was convicted for my idol of "Smart Alysha." She was going to an ivy league school and was never going to have a family! I'm so glad that God knew better and taught me gently that His glory is all that matters, and He is glorified when I love the people around me. Teaching and now mothering have been a perfect fit. They are not perfect experiences, but God's perfect plan for me unfolding. =)
Loved this one Audrey! I'm with you on the grammar thing... I had to stop myself a few times too. There is beauty in the imperfections.

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    About the Author

    Hi, My name is Audrey Frazier. Thank you for visiting. I am a wife and mother of two (2yr & newborn). I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I hope to share my thoughts, experiences and embarrassments with anyone brave enough to read them!

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