I can't tell you how many things the Lord did in my heart during that trip! The following is just one of them. (I'm going to try not change all of my writing mistakes. lol)
I found myself on the red, clay floor of an African village. The heat of the day wrapped around me like a wet blanket. Conversation was flowing freely between my teammate and I.
The Beninoise children were playing duck-duck-goose with reckless abandon. Shaded by a mango tree, my teammate sat and held closely a young boy covered with scabies.
Disgusted by their closeness and the reality of her susceptibility to the boy's contagious I kept a safe distance. Not far enough to make my discomfort noticeable, but the distance between our hearts was miles.
Pained by the conviction of my false compassion I became aware of my insensitivity. I started comparing my attributes with my teammates.
Once again I pulled out my mental checklist of virtues. After a thorough beating on my self-esteem, I calculated our Christian virtues were neck-to-neck considering my fresh taste of humility.
Turning my attention back to my teammate at she chattered on the conviction didn't release. For a second time I sought to clear my conscience of its incessant pestering.
Without further question I received more than I could have asked for! At once my mind's eye saw a vision of an idol. This idol was beautiful with attributes floating around it.
I saw the words peace, love, humility, meekness, righteousness, etc. Trying to make out what I was seeing I blinked a couple of times. Yes, it was what I thought it was....me!
Puzzled by what I was seeing I questioned the Lord. Before I received an answer I understood. I had spent my whole life trying to measure up to this 'perfect' person. This meek and quiet woman that 'ministers' to the hurting. All the while thinking that that was who God wanted me to be.
For years, I pulled out my 'checklist of virtues' to see how close or far I had come to arriving. In a moment I heard my Savior say to me, 'This perfect Audrey has become an idol you have set before me! Tear it down and don't ever raise it back up. I have never asked you to be that. I want you to be who you are right now...weaknesses and all.'
Blown away by the strong rebuke and revelation I repented and renounced my once beloved 'perfect Audrey.'
Returning to the conversation I had so briefly yet eternally abandoned, I reveled in God's greatness. To think he would give me a place in his courts to be my weak, poor, confused, frustrated little self and just 'BE'!